Supporting a Catfishing Victim

Catfishing can truly affect people in the deepest way as possible, as such it's really important to support them the way they need that support. This article will go through some of the potential ways to support someone who has been a catfish victim look into the mind of what they've experienced and understanding that every individual is different. As someone who has personally gone through this experience in a multi-year-long catfish as well as someone who has been trained as a crisis counselor this will be focused more on my personal experiences to hopefully help guide you in supporting those you love.

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Notice the Warning Signs

As someone who is not invested it whatever this relationship is, you will be most likely to notice that something isn't right. It is entirely possible that the victim notices too, but as the victim is in direct contact and is often times invested in this being true they will usually choose to believe it. This makes your actions at various stages of the scam vital both to your relationship to the victim and to the victims situation.

What can I do?

1. Keep track of what happens: Keep track of what you are told as said to help try and keep the story straight, DO NOT lord this over the victim to try and prove that you are right when they are not ready to accept this BUT use it as a guide so that when they are ready you can help them move forward.

2. Steer them towards safe practices: You may believe that something doesn't feel right or that they will not actually show up, if the victim has determined that they would like to meet in person don't try to stop them but support safe practices. These are generally good practices when it comes to meeting people for the first time in general and have become well recognized for safety, by supporting this you are protecting them regardless of if they're being catfish or if you believe the person will show up.

   1. Share locations for the duration of this first meeting

   2. Meet in a public place do not give any home addresses or personal information and stay in a place that other people can step in if something goes wrong or the victim feels uncomfortable

   3. Offer to be on standby in case the victim wants support

   4. Request that the victim get and share information before going off alone (such as a license plate or drivers license of a person there meeting with before getting in the car with them)

3. Encourage them not to send money, or keep track of what they do: Sending money is one of the largest flags regarding catfishing. But the scams have become incredibly sophisticated and the excuses now sound more more reasonable. Regardless of the reason sending money should not be done when you have not met the person, and if they choose to do it suggest that it be through it means that protects them and there be some written form (even if it's just a text) determining that this is a loan or payment not a gift.

   1. In many cases the fake person will be a military member who is asking for money for a flight home, they are given enough money to do this and often times given flights themselves so they should not be asking for this.

   2. A common financial scam that I personally have experienced is sending deposit for an apartment before actually being let in. They will send you a very realistic looking site with information (in my case mimicking booking.com) but will tell you to send the money through a bank transfer (for me claiming it was a discounted rate avoiding extra fees). I had false identity documents of a person from another country who was supposedly renting his apartment and as the transfer was to someone in another country who they were unable to trace the bank and police were not able to do anything about it or get my money back. However if it had been something like PayPal when a merchant fails to deliver you can claim it and they will stop the payment to the merchant to get it back to you.

4. Support the Victim: Realize that especially in the case of a relationship the victim is emotionally invested in this situation, as much as you see the truth and they may as well they may not be ready to accept it. As someone who has gone through this the people who told me I'm not sure if I believe that but I support you and whatever you need remained close to me and I leaned on them more when I was able to accept it. However, those who tried to intervene constantly beating me for it or messaging the other person to confront them themselves were very quickly cut out of my life. If you are unable to handle the topic then don't discuss it with the victim, but if you can, support them, let them believe that it is real if that is what they need, and instead when they ask for your advice give it in regards to who this fake person is rather than forcing them to accept that they never existed until they are ready for it. For example tell them...

   1. If he has been unable to show up for this long how can you be sure that he'll actually show up for you in the future?

   2. You deserve someone who is there for you when you need it, you don't have to only work around someone else else's timeline.

   3. They may support you through the phone, but how long are you willing to wait for them?

   4. When they physically show up they can join you or you can alter your plans, but until they do join us, come out and live your life.

5. Protect Yourself: Just like someone who is going through an addiction or in an abusive relationship, you cannot blame the victim or force them to move on, but if you can't handle it that is okay and you need to protect yourself first. If you choose to step away entirely from the victim that is okay, or when you spend time with the victim do not mention whatever the relationship is. It is not your job or responsibility to save them in the same way you can't force them to leave. Your mental health matters too.

Protect Against Future Scams

With how technology is developing we have recently seen an influx of Financial Catfishing scams where the perpetrator pretends to be a trusted friend or family member asking for money for an emergency. For example pretending to be somebody's child who got a flat tire and is stranded and need some money, or a family member who got into some legal trouble and needs some bail. Technology is getting more sophisticated and allowing them to even spoof phone numbers and go so far as video calls that looks like someone you know. A common thing to avoid this is creating a known pass-phrase or SafeWord between family members that you can ask for whatever money is involved or you are concerned. This very well may never be necessary but is an idea for anyone that you would usually consider sending money to.

Conclusion

Every person's experience will be different, Catfish scams will often induce trauma bonds between the perpetrator and the victim and overall half lasting psychological effects on the victim as they have been emotionally attached to the perpetrators fake persona. Once some victims realize they will be able to move on and block everything, other victims may not; regardless of what stage they are at it is vital to support them with what they need. I needed to believe that my relationship was real and the person was real with it even when it was over until I was able to accept that just because she didn't exist didn't invalidate my relationship and my feelings. Even after all of that because of my intimate relationship with the perpetrator I was not in a place to confront them and they never knew that I knew the truth. I write about this now, while still in communication with the perpetrator, because as much as I know the truth my heart has not caught up to my head and I know the confrontation will cause unimaginable pain. My friends and family all know this and as much as the consensus is to block the perpetrator and get it over with, they respect my decision and the position I am in; so I know when I am ready to make that final step they will be there to support me. I hope that this article will help you to support those you know at whatever stage they're at as well.